There's Still Time Enough to Choose Who We Are

"I’ll be waiting
Anticipating
All that I aim for
What I was made for
With every heartbeat
All of my blood bleeds
Running inside me"
— Switchfoot, Restless

Restless. It's the best way to describe how I've been feeling. I'm not exactly sure what happened, perhaps it was going home (read: back to Chicago) for five days that did it.

Allow me to back up.

My best friend, whom I've known "from the womb," married her long-time beau on May third. I couldn't be happier for them, and I was so honored and blessed to not only witness this in person but to also be a bridesmaid. Regardless of being busy with rehearsal/dinner/photo sessions/wedding/reception I spent lots of quality time with mom and dad, and even one of my big brothers—for a day, anyway. Turns out he was leaving for New Orleans the day after I arrived and didn't return until the day after I left. That's some luck! It's okay, I still got to whoop his and everyone else's booty in one round of Scrabble thanks to a sixty-three point word. Boom! I digress...

I used this rare trip home to gauge my feelings about being back there, and to entertain the idea of moving back to that area. Thus far, the verdict seems to be the same as it has been since I first moved away thirteen years ago; I just can't really see myself living there again, especially on my own. Part of me understands this, and another part of me is questioning my priorities. I mean, shouldn't family be an important priority in one's life? Then again, that's not to say it isn't a top priority in mine. I speak to my parents almost every day. Though I wholeheartedly admit that my siblings and I are very crappy about keeping in touch. Still, I love my family and miss them very much. Several members of my extended family still live in the Chicago area, too, and it would be nice to spend holidays with them, or to get to see my little cousin's First Communion, etc.

Yet I feel content enough here in Texas to want to stay. Or do I?

Here is where the restlessness comes in. Since I have gotten back from my trip I have felt a little dazed, a little antsy. That feeling is most pronounced when I'm at work, which is a little odd since I know how lucky I am to a.) have a decent, full-time job, and b.) mostly enjoy the work and the folks I work with. However, that first day back to work and subsequent week I felt this peculiar agitation, an inchoate longing for something else, something more. It's like I said in my last post: "It's not that I am that miserable, but I just know that there is so much more for me than the simple, everyday rigmarole." This restlessness I am feeling, I think, is in large part due to my lack of passion for the things I am doing. The lack of enthusiasm. A lack of passion for my regular, paycheck-bringing job is okay, I guess. It's when it filters down to everything else in my life that the agitation comes, the restlessness in the nothingness.

So, how do I combat it? By doing.

Get this. While my days are filled with restlessness, my evenings and weekend have been full of invigoration. I've been cleaning, organizing, hanging pictures up, buying flowers for the balcony, reading every day. Once I finish this blog post I plan on finishing another one I have as a WIP (work in progress). I am also going to make a vision board on a literal board—part of a now broken IKEA desk I will be pasting pictures onto, then putting in my home office. Ah yes, the current half storage, half would-be office. Progress is slowly being made on it. Slow, but being done. Every time I empty a box my heart sings. I may start off by walking in there and scratching my head over what in the world I'm going to do with all of this stuff, but I am figuring it out. I will figure it out, and it feels great!

All of this makes me feel more grounded. The agitation and restlessness go away. Why the sudden motivation, though?

Did the mini-vacation do me that much good? Maybe. Did going home to Chicago and finding that it is not necessarily the place I want to live cause me to subconsciously decide to make the best out of my current situation? Could be.

Whatever it is, I hope it keeps up. I have written about my lack of motivation and drive before, and with any luck that will be the last time I do.

Time to keep going.

Time to start figuring this all out.

One baby step at a time is still moving forward, no matter how slowly.

It's time to choose what I want, what I can do, and go for it.

—E